Two Roughnecks head to Texas
Two roughnecks from North Dakota were on a trip to South Texas to sign on with a new drilling contractor when they were pulled over by a State Trooper.
The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick.
The roughneck rolled down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the heck was that for?" the roughneck asked.
"You're in Texas, " the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
The trooper ran a check on the license and the roughneck was clean, so he gave him his license back.
The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other roughneck rolled down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the roughneck demanded.
"Making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the roughneck asked.
"I know you roughneck types," The trooper said. "A hundred feet down the road, you would've turned to your buddy and said... "I wish that SOB would've tried that on me!"
Roughnecks Are Good At Sensitive
Three Roughnecks were working up in the
derrick: Cooter, Lonnie and Donnie. As they start their descent Cooter slips,
falls out of the derrick and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Lonnie says, “Well, someone should go and tell his wife.” Donnie says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Lonnie says, “Where did you get that beer, Donnie?” “Cooter’s wife gave it to me,” Lonnie replies.” That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”
“Well, not exactly”, Donnie says. “When
she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter’s widow’.”
She said, “You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.”
Then I said “I’ll bet
you a case of Budweiser you are.”
Roughnecks Are Good At Sensitive
This roughneck went to the hardware store.
The attendant asked what he needed and he told him he needed a wrench.
When asked what type of wrench, the roughneck replied "It don't make no difference I'm going to use it for a hammer anyway.
A worm has been in the patch just long enough to think he knows it all. One day they are moving the rig. They get it all set up and shut down for the night. The next morning he shows up early before anyone else gets there. He fires up the engines and starts running the blocks up and down.
He's yelling at the floor "Make them tongs bite! Pull those slips!" He looks up at the board and yells "Latch that pipe hand!". He's having such a good time he doesn't see the Tool Pusher walk up behind him. The Push watches him for a minute then taps him on the shoulder. The kid is startled, he looks back at the Pusher. He chains the brake handle down looks up at the derrick board and yells "Come on down, we're all run off!"
A catholic priest, a baptist preacher, and a drunk morning tour driller, all
arrived at the pearly gates at the same time.
The catholic priest approached St. Peter, and said "St. Peter, I am a man of the cloth, I have spent every waking hour spreading the word of our Holy Father, and I demand that you let me in!" St. Peter then tells the priest to step aside and await his decision.
The Baptist Preacher stepped up to St. Peter and says " St. Peter, I too, am a
man of the cloth and have spent every waking hour spreading the word of our
Holy Father, and I too, demand that you let me in!" St. Peter then tells the
preacher to go join the priest while he decides.
As the drunken morning tour driller approaches St. Peter, the pearly gates just swing open, allowing him to walk right in.
The preacher and priest are furious and demand to know why the drunk morning tour driller was allowed to walk right in while they are waiting for an answer.
St. Peter then closed his big book, looked both of them in the
eye and stated "that man right there has scared the hell out of more people
than the two of you combined!!!!"
An old southern preacher from west Texas had a teenage son named David. It was coming time for David to choose a profession, but like most teenagers, he wasn't overly concerned about it.
His father decided to try an experiment. While David was at school, the preacher went into his room and placed on his study table four items: a bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey, and a playboy magazine.
The preacher thought to himself:
If he chooses the bible, he will be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be.
If he chooses the silver dollar, he will be a business man, and that will be ok.
If he chooses the bottle of whiskey, he will be a no good bum, and never accomplish anything.
And worst of all, if he chooses the playboy magazine, he will be a skirt-chasin bum.
The preacher hid behind the door, and waited anxiously.
Not long after, David arrived home from school, whistling to himself. He walked into hid room, and tossed his school books on the bed. As he turned to leave, he noticed the objects on his study table.
After some consideration, David picked up the bible and put it under his arm. He then took the silver dollar and put it in his pocket. Then, he uncorked the bottle of whiskey and took a big swig while admiring this months centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the preacher whispered disgustedly,"he's going into the oilfield!" --
In a recent government experiment, an Architect, an Engineer, and a Roughneck were rounded up.
Each was put in a private room and given three steel ball bearings.
They were instructed to utilize their background to design a useful project. After an hour, the architect was interviewed.
He had stacked his balls one on top of each other.
In explanation, he said, "This is the time tested design the material warrants. It's beauty and elegance dates all the way back to the Roman columns ".
In the engineers room, he had stacked his bearings in a pyramid. "This design will take 10.3 on the Richter scale, a cat 5 hurricane, and is fire resistant. It is structurally sound and can be built at low cost", he explained.
When the officials entered the roughnecks room, they found him leanin' against the wall with his hands in his pockets and no bearings to be seen. "Where is your project?" they asked. "Well, I lost one, broke one, and the other one's in my lunch box. I'm carrying it home."
An old time Driller always writes "F'n the dog" on the books whenever their on down time. The Tool Pusher tells him they have a new secretary in the office and she's real religious so don't be writing that anymore.
The Driller starts writing "Chasing the dog" instead. This goes on for awhile. One day after being down for awhile he's in a hurry and forgets. He writes "F'n the dog".
A few days later the Push brings out the pay checks. The drill opens his and inside is a note from the secretary. It reads " I see you finally caught that dog"
A hand comes up to a rig with a black leg looking for a job. The Driller says he needs a Derrick hand. The hand says "Well I'm the best Derrick hand in the world."
The Driller says "Yeah,sure. Tell you what, you run this pipe in the hole and you can have the job."
They start running pipe. The Driller says to the floor hands "Let's see how good this guy really is."
He runs the blocks up as fast as they'll go. The hand latches it, wham!! The stand jumps of the floor. The Driller showers down on the brake handle.
He makes that one up. He tells his hands "Ok, turn those elevators around backwards." He runs them up as fast as he can, turned backwards. Wham! The stand jumps off the floor. He showers down on the brake.
"All right I'll show that smart a**" He tells his hands " Take that sledge hammer and break those bull horns off those elevators."
He sails them up, backwards, no horns, and Wham!! The stand jumps off the floor. He showers down and looks up "Damn it! I'll show him."
He tells his hands "Take them damn elevators off."
He sends the blocks up thru the derrick. He says laughing "Let's see that smart SOB latch one now."
About that time the stand jumps off the floor. He showers down and looks up.
The Derrick hand hollers " Better hurry up and stab it drill. I only had time to get one half hitch in this rope!"